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Getting out my own way

Judgment from others was always my biggest fear. “He’s not worthy” is what they would say. It wasn’t said to me, I just knew it. I’m not a mind reader, but I might as well have been. Being a writer was perfect for my introverted self, it gave me the chance to speak without actually uttering a word, an opportunity to Express myself to a group of people without a single eyeball on me, not have to work in a crowded jungle but the comfort of my cave. I wrote, and I wrote. Scripts, short stories, blog posts, you name it I wrote it. I was proud of my work. In my head I was getting praise from all these people, I was confident. These feelings came when I was secluded in my cave. Around others? I was petrified. Knowing I’d get a judge and made fun of. I liked to be alone, but I cared about what others thought about me. I’m complexed., but then again maybe all artists are. They say most artists are sensitive. We’re told that you have to be vulnerable to make good art while continually getting judged on said work. So we’re sensitive, have to be vulnerable while also still getting judged. It’s a double-edged sword. I mean the sound of that makes my introverted anxiety-ridden self-want to throw up.

So naturally, my only dream in life is to be a filmmaker/writer. As I said, I’m complexed. As most artists are, why I rambling on and on is because this past March I had a life-changing event. While acting in this film (a small part, where anxiety impacted my performance.) I did something I usually never did. Spoke up and took a more significant role. After a recent opening, I threw my hat in the ring for the producer, and I ended up becoming the producer. More responsibilities, more anxiety. While taking on a more significant role in that production, I ended up becoming Co-Director! It was great! More responsibilities and yup you guessed it more anxiety.

While working on the film I suddenly got inspired, I thought to myself, I can make my movie. I should believe in myself. It was a month out from my school’s film festival, so I figured why not debut it there. I wrote a script one weekend and spent the next month with amazing people working on my debut project.  While the film wasn’t perfect, there were times when it was frustrated and myself if I was in over my head. It was still a success. Sitting in that auditorium, viewing the movie with others, was both a painful but proud moment for myself. My anxiety was through the roof, but it was my work that was being shown. I didn’t win an award that night but it didn’t matter, my film “The Adventures of Kevin and Liz” was the first project to not to stay in my hard drive. And that was enough for me.

Here my debut film, “The Adventures of Kevin and Liz”!

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